I smiled =)

These days I'm confused again. My feelings are playing me again. What I had gone through 2 years back, now it's all coming back to me. Just like what happened last time, when I'm with my friends, I tried to laugh and smile with them. Maybe I'm trying to cover up my feelings. When I face you, I smiled too. I don't want to be awkward when facing you so I smiled. I could see that you wanted to smile at me too but you tried not to. I'm sorry for ignoring you, for fighting back my feelings. This time I don't want to let my feelings control me again. I'm letting my rationality to control my mind and my actions. I know I did things that made you hate me and disappointed, it's best that way. It's best that you hate me and move on without me. I keep telling myself, I couldn't give you more. I don't have what it takes to love you and give you what you want. We both are different. We are not young anymore. We should think of our future and we both know sooner or later, it will end too. I'm ending it now because I feel right now, your feelings towards me are the least and after me, there are many people that are better waiting to be with you. All I hope for is you be happier than me and without me. I don't want us to keep going through this over and over again. We've been saying break ups and reunion more than 10 times. Now maybe 20? It makes the "break-up" like a game. It makes us don't take everything seriously anymore. It's like you know we will back together the day after we broke up. Moreover, this decision was made by you. You should know best what kind of person am I so you keep taking advantage on me. I'm already struggling with my life, my studies and I need to help you with your things. Sometimes I'm just so tired. Whenever I tried to tell you how I feel, you'll just ignore me and says all I care about is myself and my own feelings but in reality, I care for you so much more than I care for myself. No offence but you're the one that's only caring for yourself. Friends around me saw me and said I've lost myself. All my happiness were faked by me. They could see that. It's like I didn't really laugh or be happy for a long time. I actually wish we could work it out this time as I trusted you and tried to love you once again, and now, it's proven I'm wrong. I'm sorry but I just need to take a break and relax and live for myself. I've been living for you for a year and a half. It's a waste for a year and a half relationship to be ended just like that. I know I never did anything nice for you, I'm sorry for that. I appreciate what you did for me before. I don't know how to describe my feelings anymore. I found a song that could describe part of it. This is the song, titled Simple but Lonely.