I smiled =)

These days I'm confused again. My feelings are playing me again. What I had gone through 2 years back, now it's all coming back to me. Just like what happened last time, when I'm with my friends, I tried to laugh and smile with them. Maybe I'm trying to cover up my feelings. When I face you, I smiled too. I don't want to be awkward when facing you so I smiled. I could see that you wanted to smile at me too but you tried not to. I'm sorry for ignoring you, for fighting back my feelings. This time I don't want to let my feelings control me again. I'm letting my rationality to control my mind and my actions. I know I did things that made you hate me and disappointed, it's best that way. It's best that you hate me and move on without me. I keep telling myself, I couldn't give you more. I don't have what it takes to love you and give you what you want. We both are different. We are not young anymore. We should think of our future and we both know sooner or later, it will end too. I'm ending it now because I feel right now, your feelings towards me are the least and after me, there are many people that are better waiting to be with you. All I hope for is you be happier than me and without me. I don't want us to keep going through this over and over again. We've been saying break ups and reunion more than 10 times. Now maybe 20? It makes the "break-up" like a game. It makes us don't take everything seriously anymore. It's like you know we will back together the day after we broke up. Moreover, this decision was made by you. You should know best what kind of person am I so you keep taking advantage on me. I'm already struggling with my life, my studies and I need to help you with your things. Sometimes I'm just so tired. Whenever I tried to tell you how I feel, you'll just ignore me and says all I care about is myself and my own feelings but in reality, I care for you so much more than I care for myself. No offence but you're the one that's only caring for yourself. Friends around me saw me and said I've lost myself. All my happiness were faked by me. They could see that. It's like I didn't really laugh or be happy for a long time. I actually wish we could work it out this time as I trusted you and tried to love you once again, and now, it's proven I'm wrong. I'm sorry but I just need to take a break and relax and live for myself. I've been living for you for a year and a half. It's a waste for a year and a half relationship to be ended just like that. I know I never did anything nice for you, I'm sorry for that. I appreciate what you did for me before. I don't know how to describe my feelings anymore. I found a song that could describe part of it. This is the song, titled Simple but Lonely.

Tough life

If you see me writing or posting blogs, normally it means I'm really stressed out that I need to release at least bit of it out. I'm very tired nowadays and stressed out in all ways. College assignments, tests, works all of them I can't seem to do very well this semester. For the first time I scored so badly in my test that I just manage to pass it. I feel so ashamed and disappointed. On the other hand, I can't follow up my studies. Taxation, Financial planning, Management of Accounting, Entrepreneurship and Fundamentals of Accountings. I don't understand what I'm studying at all. I'm scared to fail and if I fail it's a big issue. It means I have to stop my education and work. I can't fail. I never think of this semester would be this hard. Everything is out of my expectations. 

There's no one that understands what's going on. Not even me! Maybe I spent too much time on things that I shouldn't care. I should change now. Bless me. =/

A Post From Facebook

This is a post I found on Facebook. People misses you but you'll never realize it.


其实我真的好想你，但是你这个笨蛋永远都不会理解我

◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在早上醒来的时候，看看手机，有没有你发来的信息

，有 没有你的未接来电。
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在上网的时候，首先关注你的空间，看看你最近是不是有 更新。
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在聊天的时候，翻阅你发给我的短信，看着你的照片，回 忆一下那些美好时光
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是饿了会想你饿么，冷了想你会冷么
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是走在大街上看到男男女女，好希望那一对对里有我们
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是把你的来电调成唯一的铃音，放在我身边，并时不时的看 看是否自动关机，是否信号良好
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在吃小吃的时候，想如果你能和我一起吃，那该是多幸福 的事啊
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在听歌的时候，偶尔会被某句歌词击中，脑中出现短暂的 空白
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是想看看你的样子，听听你的声音
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在别人无意提起你的时候，愣在那里，不知答话
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在睡前紧握着手机，等待着你的情话，等待着你说晚安
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是睡不着的时候想想你，但是，我不知道我是因为睡不着而 想你，还是因为想你而睡不着
◑ 我没有很想你
我只是在每次醒来的时候，第一个想到你……

✖或许想念只属于某一个人，如果两个人都在想念彼此，那一定 是一对幸福的恋人

Untitled

Recently, life is confusing. Not just my own life, but I made others confused too. I'm sorry. I don't know what else I can say besides 'sorry'. The person I am now, I still don't know who am I becoming. I know I changed much but I can't recognize myself yet. Life is tiring life is confusing life is full with problems yet it is also full with probabilities and hopes. I sincerely hope that I won't let anyone down which is impossible. I let myself disappointed and down the most. I'm not appreciating myself and what I'm having. I'm being a jerk I'm being a selfish A.H.

I hate it....

I wish every thing to be better. It will all get better in time..

Don't Know...

It has been long since I last update. Many things happened. My feelings all were kept inside. I don't know how to express it out. Till now I still can't express it out. Day by day I feel more and more stressed out and tired. I don't know why are we still holding on to each other when there is nothing to hold on to. I don't know why am I still hanging on to our memories though I know that you won't be the same again. I don't know why I can't make up my mind and stick to my decision and just live all by myself. I really hate myself right now. Everything that happens I feel that it's not right. When I'm with you, though we seems normal and sweet in front of others, we both know that both of us are acting. This relationship is full with lies, it's totally empty. Today you asked me to take things for you again. You were so demanding. Everytime last minute only tell me to do this and that, I'm fed up with it. I don't like it. I don't like it at all! It makes me feel that I'm your servant, I'm your driver I'm everythig that I don't wish to be. I hate myself for being so weak and so soft towards you. I really disappointed in myself. I really can't continue with this life. I need to do something. I'm sorry if I hurt you eventhough I know you won't be hurt as much as I am. Please don't say sorry if you don't mean it. It really hurts and disappoint me when you said it and you don't mean it.